Just feeling a bit down I suppose.
Maybe it's a combintion of things, so I'm trying to write it down to clear my head I guess.

1) The weather has been rather horrible at the moment. I mean, I adore rain, it but not the dull, cold stuff. I love light, fresh rain, or complete storms. Not depressing drizzle. So that can't help my mood to start with.

2) Exams are coming up, but not for still over a week. I'm trying to revise lots, but there are so many distractions in halls, I may resort to the library next week. I want to proove myself, so I have been revising morethan for my January ones. I did fine on them, I averaged a 2:1, but a low one. I knew I colud have done better if it hadn't been for the fact I had been ill for 9/12 weeks. But I'm scared that I'll do worse, depsite taking it more seriously, and missing less uni time. Like my effort will go unrewarded. Just exam fears I guess.

3) I have a friend. She's so pretty and funny and outgoing. She gets all the male attention when we go out. Or when we make new guy friends, they all want her. She outshines everyone else. She's very flirty too, even when she doesn't mean to be. At the moment, we have a new guy hanging out with us. He liked her obviously but she doesn't like him like that. But she still flirts with him openly and stuff. The poor guy doesn't know if he's coming or going. Plus our friend likes him and she knows that. It's like as long as she's around no one else stands a chance. We get overshadowed, eclipsed. I can try and talk to a guy we make friends with but I don't dare let myself like them 'cos I don't stand a chance. I feel no guy will ever get to see me as a catch as long as she dominates the group. She demands the attention of the whole group all the time, if she has no attention for even 2 minutes she's complaining. Sometimes I find that need for constant adoration rather unattractive. So sometimes I don't get the worship she gets. But she gets it. And still complains about how fat and ugly and unattractive she is. Making me feel so much worse. 'Cos she obviously isn't but is fishing for compliments.

4) I still don't think I'm over the death of my grandfather. It's been three and a half months now but I still think about him all the time. I still feel sad and empty. But if I get down I can't escape and let myself feel down 'cos I don't want people all over me trying to make me feel better. I want space to grieve and since it happened, I've just been here at uni where it's not been possible to just let it all out. I think I almost did when I was at home for Easter, but I was so busy catching up with people it didn't quite get there. That's why I want this term to end so I can get away from the smothering atmosphere. I want to sit down with my mum and talk about him. I want to spend more time with my nan 'cos I'm terrified she's now going to die before I see her again.

5) I just miss living in the countryside. I'm not cut out for the city. I need open space and freedom to roam. And I miss the colour and the fresh air. The city is so drab and dull and suffocating. It doesn't feel alive. At home I look st the sky and there's always a bird soaring or swooping around. Here, nothing...

Anywaqy I'll stop now. I'll just... I don't know what I'll do but I think it will all be better by June. Maybe not June 2nd. I will hate that day.